Monday, March 11, 2019

The Thing About Grandma...

I have been going through a lot of stuff since HeMan Hubby passed away 9 months ago...

Emotional Stuff...
Financial Stuff...
Household Stuff...
Personal Stuff...

The stuff that has accumulated and represents The BusyFamily...
And the life we lived together for the over 24 years.

I was going through HeMan Hubby's bedside table and found the box of chocolates I gave him last Valentine's Day...
and a stack of cards we have exchanged over the years...
The tiny hospital ID band from when SIX was born 20 plus years ago...
A construction paper card with BratChild's hand print on it from pre-school...

There were so many little tid-bits from our life together ...
So many memories he had shoved into that drawer...

And each one brought that moment in time to the here and now...
I got caught up in those memories and the feelings and emotions...

In every cupboard and drawer, behind every closet door and on every wall in our house are little pieces of our lives...

And then I found my grandfather's pipe.... and his bill fold with pictures of people that I have never seen and no one in the family seems to have a clue who they are...

And that made me think of GrandMa.
GrandMa had the biggest, loudest, flashiest personality of anyone I have ever known.

She spoke her mind... right or wrong... and stood her ground.

And she never, ever learned how to say my name...

She was a big woman... a sturdy type of woman that smelled of tea roses and talc...
who permed her white hair into the old lady version of an afro...
who wore bakelite jewelry in orange and lime and bright yellow...
and wore coral lipstick and bold floral print tunics with her pull on jean shorts and keds...
who hugged you so fiercely that you were sure of 2 things...
1- you would pass out from the inability to inhale... and
2- she loved you just as fiercely as she hugged

She also had this little habit that all the grand kids...
and great grands...
still remember and joke about...
in the " that was so crazy and endearing" kind of way...

The Thing About GrandMa was...

She kept everything in her bra...
She had one of those cigarette cases with the clasp on top and a pocket on the side for the zippo lighter...it was in there...
Need a kleenex... it's in there...
Heading out to Goshen Dairy for a shake?
She's got a $20 in there for you...
She's making a run through the bank drive-thru to refill her bra money stash...
her drivers license and her bank card... they're in there...

In recent years I have taken to putting my bank card or the cash for the tunnel toll in my bra when I head out of the house...
The kids noticed and make comments and shake their heads and laugh and call me 'grandma'...
in a roll your eyes and giggle kind of way...

And in a way... as I sit among the memories of my life with HeMan Hubby and The BusyFamily...
and take side trips down through the memories of my childhood and visits to see GrandMa and GrandPa ...
Memories of warm summer days rocking on the porch while GrandPa listens to the local yard
sales on the transistor radio drinking coffee...
Of the smell of yeast rolls rising on the counter in the out kitchen mingled with the scent of warm, moist earth coming up from the root cellar...

And running to Harts with GrandMa in her red Ford Fiesta ...
where she takes a wad of slightly damp bills from her bra and and makes a payment on her Doll Lamp...

The one that now glows warmly in the corner of my living room ...
Reminding me of the warmth of her love and the slightly eccentric and completely unique lady
that was GrandMa.


Tuesday, February 5, 2019

Reinventing Myself... Or Not!

Since my journey to find my purpose , and this blog, began I have been trying to figure out where my place in the world is.

In some ways, I have been trying to REINVENT MYSELF to be the person I thought I should be.

www.colormethin,us
But what I have come to realize it this...

I do not need to reinvent myself...

I do not need to be what others think I am...

I only need to be MYSELF.

I only need to be WHO I AM.

This weekend I attended a Happiness Convention in Dallas, Texas.

I met people who are true to themselves...

Warts and all...

And are HAPPY to be THEMSELVES!

They are SUCCESSFUL.
They are FULFILLED.
They are HAPPY.

They are living lives that I have only dreamt of.

And they do it to please themselves and those they love.
They do it to honestly help others and serve GOD.

I have found people who are like me.

People that have demons.
Have a past.
Have trials and tribulations.

People how not only survived, but THRIVED!

I HAVE FOUND MY PEOPLE!


So I do not need to reinvent myself.

I have only to love myself...
and others...

And I WILL THRIVE TOO!

Sunday, January 13, 2019

New Year... Same Old Me?

It is January.

January is not only the beginning of a new year...
It is also my birthday month, so it is Actually my new year...
The beginning of not just a calendar year...
But the beginning of another Year of me being on this Earth.

Last year...
Year 52 as I call it...
Was the worst year of my life.


I posted a bit about it over the summer ...
But I was struggling so much with all of the things that have been going on since the most awful day in May...
I just couldn't write about it...
I couldn't even think about it without feeling despair and emotionally drained...

But THIS year...

Year 53...

I am owning THIS year!
Kitzbuhel, Austria - the first of my dreams coming true!

This year is THE year that I Will dream again...
This year I will be that person that HeMan Hubby knew me to be, encouraged me to be...
And made me promise to keep being ...

HeMan Hubby pushed me, believed in me, supported me, dreamed great dreams for me ...

And I WILL be that person...
Not for him...
But because of him and the love he gave me so that I can see the Me that he saw...

And I am finding that I like that woman that he knew me to be...
And that I can be the successful person living out my dreams...

And Year 53 ...
Yes, is it a new year...
But it is NOT the same old me.





Tuesday, August 28, 2018

Take a little Trip...

Take a little trip with me...

I decided to take a trip to the beach.

It was a trip HeMan Hubby and I had planned to take...
It was the trip that was supposed to have us house hunting...
making plans to move there...
to our happy place

The beginning of the start of our future life together.

So...
I went...
without him...
because I promised him I would not stop dreaming...
That I would carry on with our plans ...
That I would live that future we had laid out in front of us

I thought it would be hard.

I was wrong...
It was more than hard...
It was some word that has not even been invented yet because...
it's so much more than anyone can imagine.


And yet...
It was good.
And I reached a place in my heart...
A place that knows he is gone...
but also knows that he is here





Our plans are now my plans...
Our future is now my future...
Our life is now my life...

And I am okay with that.

Not " Hey the world is wonderful and I'm on top of it" kind of okay...

But Okay enough to take a little trip...
enough to start dreaming...
and planning...
and living...

Maybe even at the beach!





Thursday, August 23, 2018

Happy Birthday Baby Girl...

You may have called this one...

Image result for happy birthday strawberry shortcake
Happy Birthday !
Yep, it's my baby girl's birthday...

Ahhh, but which baby girl?

I do have 3 to choose from...

But Today is my first born's birthday...

Today GoodMom is 30-something that is much closer to 40 than not...
(but don't mention that to her... 
she's trying to NOT be almost 40)

I remember the day she was born...
It was very early in the morning...
And she was very big...

And she was scrunched looking...
And she had a bit of a cone head...
And she had bruises on her face and little arms...

And she was beautiful...

She still is beautiful...
And intelligent...
And everything I ever hoped she would grow up to be!

Happy Birthday and I love you GoodMom


Wednesday, August 22, 2018

Time... Won't Give Me Time

This could be the best place yet
    But you must overcome your fears
In time we could have been so much more
    But Time is Precious I know


If you were a teen in the 80s you might just recognize these words...

I loved this song in high school...
I loved Boy George...
He was different and wasn't afraid to be that way...
He made a career out of being who he was ...
Or she? I'm still not really sure where the persona and the person diverge...

But this 50-something year old woman listens to these words
And understands the bigger message...
the life lesson contained within the catchy tune and flamboyance ...

Image result for despairKnows that time is nothing ...
That it slips through our fingers and leaves us with nothing...
Just empty hands and lost dreams

Just as I have this gained in sight ...
the kind that only Time could give me...

I have learned that Fear ...
Yes, Fear...
Can do so much more to destroy us than Time can

Fear can make us stop dreaming...
Stop caring...
Stop living...

And no amount of Time can take back what Fear has taken from us

Fear... 
Is a Liar...
A Cheater...
A Thief...

Image result for faith
The last year and 3 months has taught me so much about Time...
About Fear...
About Loss...
About Hurt...
About Love...
About Faith...
About Hope...
About Grace...

It is well with my soul...

Words from a song that has brought me comfort in these months...
a peace and strength that I didn't even know I had

And this grown-up woman...
This mother of 6 children...
This Widow of 3 months...

Image result for faithKnows and believes that TIME is not the enemy...
That TIME is what God is giving me...
Time to grieve...
Time to cry...
Time to heal...
Time to DREAM...

And I get this Time because I have Faith and Hope and Grace...


Because I believe in...
The Overwhelming, never-ending reckless Love of God...
And more importantly...

HE believes in ME


Tuesday, July 31, 2018

Super Heros have Birthdays Too!

Dear HeMan Hubby,
Today is 2 months and 9 days since you left.
Today is your birthday... the 1st one without you here to tease me about still being older than you even though today makes , or made, us the same age...
A lot has changed. A lot is changing.
When I think of how we spent Valentine's day this year talking about our plans to move to Florida when you were well...and how a week later everything started to unravel...
You you went from having 15 to 20 years to maybe 5 years to 6 maybe 9 months... and then you were gone... just 3 months and 8 days after we made those plans to move... when you were well.
You are well now. Not here with me like we planned... but you are well and whole and no longer in pain... which is what I prayed for every day since your diagnosis.
It just came in the one way I didn't want it to come.
But my birthday wish for you came true... you are well.
I know you are with me.
I feel you in my heart and see your smile in our children's smiles, and when I am alone in our room I feel you beside me, holding me and hear you telling me it will all be okay... I miss you more then I thought could be possible but I am okay, because you are with me.
I love you.
HAPPY 52nd Birthday to the love of my life, the one who made me whole and made me feel loved every minute of every day.
I miss you John LeeRoye Bassford and dream of the day when we will be together again...
You are...
And will always be...
My Super Hero
Link to BratChild's facebook tribute to her SuperHero Dad!